I have facebook as well as this blog... the thing is that most people don't know that and don't connect the two... which may be a good thing...
The following are differen excerpts I wanted to post on Facebook on the days that are listed with them.
12-9-07
I feel like I need to tell someone what is going on with me and I am also afraid that no matter who I try to tell things to right now they may freak out. Please don't freak out ok?
Just keep me in your prayers.... I feel like I am drowning.... I don't know what to think and my brain is on overdrive trying to find answers for questions that I don't want to ask out loud. If I did ask them out loud then people would worry about me. I don't want that.
I am feeling so broken right now I don't know where to turn. I can try to pray but I feel like I am empty.
The only time I feel filled is when I am doing things for others... but that is not the right thing to do right now because I need to take care of myself and get studies done. As long as I keep my hands busy or mind distracted I am fine but that is not how life should be.
I pick up my Bible to read, and then put it down because I don't know where to begin. I want to be away from people to think but when I am away then I am worried about everything and can't think clearly. This cycle is something I can't seem to break.
EA Poe's poem stands out to me: "Dreamland" I have it up on my wall.
12-10-07
I know I have hurt myself by posting things before so here is the deal... I am trusting you... I am making myself vulnerable way beyond what I am comfortable with...
If you have known me for a long time, if you are someone I talk to as much as your and my schedule allow, if you are close to me and think you know me extremely well, or if I go to you when I have problems, YOU may read this...
If you are not included in the list above then you read this at your own risk... if you do not like what you see then fine…
In the long run I know my friends will understand me better.
Statuses that I wish I felt comfortable putting up... but realize that they are sometimes too personal at the times I would want to write them and make me too vulnerable...
(These do not necessarily apply to today or any specific time... they are just things that I might have put up if Facebook were a site that only a selected few could see...)
Katie is depressed.
Katie is extremely stressed although she promised she wouldn't stress.
Katie is wanting solitude and time to be completely alone with no one even wanting to give her a hug or pat her shoulder.
Katie is hating the fact that sometimes when her friends feel the most down and in need she is too depressed to do anything.... wishing everything would go away! ...
Katie is wondering why life has to be so horrible.
Katie is wondering when life will just be over....
Katie is wondering if anyone cares but doesn't want anyone to read this because that would make them care... she wants people to care and show it because they want to and not because she said anything.
Katie is wishing she could just give up.
Katie is feeling completely put out at life and upset because of her own stupidity.
Katie is wondering why she can't answer questions that keep popping into her head... if she could then she could relax some more.
Katie is wondering if she will be able to be a friend again.
Katie is worried about her friends because of things they are going through but is then again glad because she knows things may end up hurting them more than they want to admit.
Katie is missing someone in her life that she can talk to......
Katie is wanting to open up to someone about all the shit she has inside her but is not allowing herself to trust anyone to that extent.
Katie is wishing she could trust others.
Katie is hoping her attitude changes quick or she will pop someone's head off and that may not be that pretty....
Katie is feeling all alone in the world.
Katie is wishing someone would answer their phone.
Katie is not praying much anymore because she doesn't know what to say... she is too full of hurt and anger and grief that she is ready to burst.
Katie is scared.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
“Flirty Friend” 8-16-07
Flighty Flirty Friends Find Follows of the Heart.
Hearing Heard Words
Thinking Thoughts Thanks Time Together Tickles
Listening and hearing are two different things.
Friend of the first need to learn a few things.
To hear and understand and come along side someone,
they must be willing and wanting to know them for long.
Some of my friends are one, some the other.
The ones for a time the other is for pressure.
The closer the one that continues to be.
Present in danger, hope for tomorrow.
Stuck and sticking closer from time,
Hearts understanding, lighting the way.
Willing to just be, willing to give,
Willing to share life and hopes and live.
Forever our struggle of friendship will be.
But so long as the struggle continues friends we are.
Friends fight for the friendship, not giving up,
Thus we prove we can play the part.
But not only in play but in hurt and heartache.
Not always the two will be, they could break.
Struggle against this constant possibility,
Friends are formed from unlikely odds
Times tick by, memories made, Friendship has not dug a grave,
Hope springs new, as things grow, more friends join and grow.
As the few become more then split off, friends beget friends beget friends.
The webs we find woven around, are Friendships that we have found.
Friendships that hold us solid in place, Friendships that have not lost face.
When we fall in life’s turmoil, the net of the tight- roper takes us down.
These friends they come, helping us up, bringing us hope and to our feet.
Hearing Heard Words
Thinking Thoughts Thanks Time Together Tickles
Listening and hearing are two different things.
Friend of the first need to learn a few things.
To hear and understand and come along side someone,
they must be willing and wanting to know them for long.
Some of my friends are one, some the other.
The ones for a time the other is for pressure.
The closer the one that continues to be.
Present in danger, hope for tomorrow.
Stuck and sticking closer from time,
Hearts understanding, lighting the way.
Willing to just be, willing to give,
Willing to share life and hopes and live.
Forever our struggle of friendship will be.
But so long as the struggle continues friends we are.
Friends fight for the friendship, not giving up,
Thus we prove we can play the part.
But not only in play but in hurt and heartache.
Not always the two will be, they could break.
Struggle against this constant possibility,
Friends are formed from unlikely odds
Times tick by, memories made, Friendship has not dug a grave,
Hope springs new, as things grow, more friends join and grow.
As the few become more then split off, friends beget friends beget friends.
The webs we find woven around, are Friendships that we have found.
Friendships that hold us solid in place, Friendships that have not lost face.
When we fall in life’s turmoil, the net of the tight- roper takes us down.
These friends they come, helping us up, bringing us hope and to our feet.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Clouds and Setting Dusk 8-15-07
Clouds they come and pass on by as the storms of yesterday wane.
Things that were soundly brought to mind swirl down the drain.
Why do we bring such things to focus when time is all that can tell?
Why sit and ponder wondering when time later will surely tell?
Why not trust and wait, isn't that the right thing to do?
Be patient and know that He is God and nothing is really new.
If something is meant to be and one doesn't not choose it at first,
Then later maybe the timing will be better and the pieces will fit.
If not then things were not meant to be. Futrue will decide.
Todays hopes, Tomorrows dreams, the Future's possible reality.
Then again the answer may be no, in any decision we face.
The way things work in this fallen world things are thrown in our face!
As I wrote before, in a poem of yester year... "
I will open up one thought at a time for fear they all be loosed"
These thoughts are in my mind, ones I pray for and will sort through.
Some will be thrown away like leaves in the wind, Others saved for later.
NO one but me can solve this, an issue in my head.
My decision, with God's help, I pray is one of good not hurt.
Putting things away and cleaning up is hard, no task is easy.
But there is a reason, there is a way, and there is a prayer.
There is also a God who is always there.
On His rock I will stand, On His path I will go,
No matter what will come, no matter what sorrow,
As dusks evening fires glow, His safety I know!
Things that were soundly brought to mind swirl down the drain.
Why do we bring such things to focus when time is all that can tell?
Why sit and ponder wondering when time later will surely tell?
Why not trust and wait, isn't that the right thing to do?
Be patient and know that He is God and nothing is really new.
If something is meant to be and one doesn't not choose it at first,
Then later maybe the timing will be better and the pieces will fit.
If not then things were not meant to be. Futrue will decide.
Todays hopes, Tomorrows dreams, the Future's possible reality.
Then again the answer may be no, in any decision we face.
The way things work in this fallen world things are thrown in our face!
As I wrote before, in a poem of yester year... "
I will open up one thought at a time for fear they all be loosed"
These thoughts are in my mind, ones I pray for and will sort through.
Some will be thrown away like leaves in the wind, Others saved for later.
NO one but me can solve this, an issue in my head.
My decision, with God's help, I pray is one of good not hurt.
Putting things away and cleaning up is hard, no task is easy.
But there is a reason, there is a way, and there is a prayer.
There is also a God who is always there.
On His rock I will stand, On His path I will go,
No matter what will come, no matter what sorrow,
As dusks evening fires glow, His safety I know!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Thoughts... Feelings... 7-25-07
What is thinking?
What is feeling?
Oh how thoughts define our actions!!
How do I know what I think is what I feel is right?
I wish I knew if it were right!!
It was said, "I think therefore I am,"
but now we see that we are not what we think we are!
What am I? Who am I?
Where am I going?
Why do I question these things now?
Half done is not done!
One must complete the circle...
To know recriprocation.
To feel reciprocation.
To know one must think...
What is thinking?
To feel one must understand feeling...
What is feeling?
Paths cross for a reason.
Why did ours?
Why am I thinking and feeling when I have told myself to stop so many times!!!
Silence is an answer...
Waiting for an answer...
Maybe one will come...
Two years down the road?
Six to Eight years down the road?
Enjoyment may last for a moment...
Thoughts and hopes can last for years...
It has been years already.
Time is still ticking by.
Feelings that I tried to stop, to push aside, to hide, to keep forever gone...
Keep persistantly renewing, strengthening, I can't explain...
It hurts...
I know there is still searching.
I know there was a possible finding.
I wish there was an answer... Silence...
I can wait. I can hold on.
Don't worry about me.
I have things I have to focus on...
I will keep going.
The wheel keeps spinning...
Stuck in the same mud.
Some day it will be freed...
One way or another.
I will some day be free.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel I need to apologize that this is so choppy. It was hard to write. Some of the phrases could have two meanings some don't. I hope whoever reads this knows that I look forward to the future and whatever God has planned for me. Yes, I am confused and questioning, but There is Someone who is bigger than my confusion working on this. HE Loves me and He will take care of me for eternity. In Christ, Kt B <><
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part of me wants to take this off of here because of the repercussions it has brought. I am not ashamed to have it here because it is one way that I was trying to express, even to myself, what I was going on. In another way I wish I had never put it here to begin with because of the things it has dug up that I fear came up at the wrong time. For anyone I have hurt or confused by this I am sorry. Please forgive me. As always, I know God has plans for me in His time. I love HIM and HE loves me. In Christ, Kt B <><
What is feeling?
Oh how thoughts define our actions!!
How do I know what I think is what I feel is right?
I wish I knew if it were right!!
It was said, "I think therefore I am,"
but now we see that we are not what we think we are!
What am I? Who am I?
Where am I going?
Why do I question these things now?
Half done is not done!
One must complete the circle...
To know recriprocation.
To feel reciprocation.
To know one must think...
What is thinking?
To feel one must understand feeling...
What is feeling?
Paths cross for a reason.
Why did ours?
Why am I thinking and feeling when I have told myself to stop so many times!!!
Silence is an answer...
Waiting for an answer...
Maybe one will come...
Two years down the road?
Six to Eight years down the road?
Enjoyment may last for a moment...
Thoughts and hopes can last for years...
It has been years already.
Time is still ticking by.
Feelings that I tried to stop, to push aside, to hide, to keep forever gone...
Keep persistantly renewing, strengthening, I can't explain...
It hurts...
I know there is still searching.
I know there was a possible finding.
I wish there was an answer... Silence...
I can wait. I can hold on.
Don't worry about me.
I have things I have to focus on...
I will keep going.
The wheel keeps spinning...
Stuck in the same mud.
Some day it will be freed...
One way or another.
I will some day be free.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel I need to apologize that this is so choppy. It was hard to write. Some of the phrases could have two meanings some don't. I hope whoever reads this knows that I look forward to the future and whatever God has planned for me. Yes, I am confused and questioning, but There is Someone who is bigger than my confusion working on this. HE Loves me and He will take care of me for eternity. In Christ, Kt B <><
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part of me wants to take this off of here because of the repercussions it has brought. I am not ashamed to have it here because it is one way that I was trying to express, even to myself, what I was going on. In another way I wish I had never put it here to begin with because of the things it has dug up that I fear came up at the wrong time. For anyone I have hurt or confused by this I am sorry. Please forgive me. As always, I know God has plans for me in His time. I love HIM and HE loves me. In Christ, Kt B <><
Friday, June 29, 2007
"Rain" 6-28-07
(sitting on the back porch of my grandparent's house)
Come, keep falling, perspiration from above, melts below,
Thick the rain blows, chilled filling the lungs, bold,
Electric the clouds and air tremble as mighty waters roll,
Dense and dark pillars and canopy surrond, giant sparks ignight,
Soothing heart-beat, solid strong, resets this fine-tuned place,
Tinkeling bells, no sound similar, as these crystals fall,
Never again may I see these exact ones falling agin through space,
Once was whispers now nostrils flare, leaves of trees turn, bare,
Though soft as fur and purrs, lion's roar are sure, surronding,
Passing, thoughts unfold, pen is blue hue, scribe alive,
Rain a common scene, storms a told tale too, but,
how are they remembered? What feeling? Fire? Hue?
Smells of fresh dirt, grass, and trees, natures best,
Renewed as the rain chimes, wind blows, current of tomorrow flows,
Earth melts and gives life where cycles constant regin,
Ressurection, rebirth come after sin, death, and grace,
Like the rain our lives are constantly being pulled to an end,
As the wind blows, God knows, and our futures change.
Life, a grace from God, to fall like rain and be blown to our knees.
Come, keep falling, perspiration from above, melts below,
Thick the rain blows, chilled filling the lungs, bold,
Electric the clouds and air tremble as mighty waters roll,
Dense and dark pillars and canopy surrond, giant sparks ignight,
Soothing heart-beat, solid strong, resets this fine-tuned place,
Tinkeling bells, no sound similar, as these crystals fall,
Never again may I see these exact ones falling agin through space,
Once was whispers now nostrils flare, leaves of trees turn, bare,
Though soft as fur and purrs, lion's roar are sure, surronding,
Passing, thoughts unfold, pen is blue hue, scribe alive,
Rain a common scene, storms a told tale too, but,
how are they remembered? What feeling? Fire? Hue?
Smells of fresh dirt, grass, and trees, natures best,
Renewed as the rain chimes, wind blows, current of tomorrow flows,
Earth melts and gives life where cycles constant regin,
Ressurection, rebirth come after sin, death, and grace,
Like the rain our lives are constantly being pulled to an end,
As the wind blows, God knows, and our futures change.
Life, a grace from God, to fall like rain and be blown to our knees.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Silence After the Storm
Agonizing torture, no relief,
Tears shed silently as shrill sudden cries would hurt,
Face of wrentching pain, grinding gnashing teeth,
Movement -- AHH! -- NO!
Pleading eyes to all around - rescue me!!
Help - stop - no more - tears...
Hour goes by, today fades, all around prickes, probing,
What to do is the question... everyone is asking...
Peace comes through the Lord,
Pain releiver, sedation, and Prayer,
The latter is most needed.
Asleep, nothing is felt, a body, needing to be put to order,
Procedure... one step at a time, hard work, pulling, POP!
Waking up....... Hours.....
No pain, exhaustion, sleep drawing, calling, begging,
Sleep appeased, time passes, wakening enough to speak,
Eyes open, more time, distractions, sleep,
Out of bed, heading home... tired... in need of rest...
Home, in bed, sleep will come, then healing...
Continuing in prayer...
Tears shed silently as shrill sudden cries would hurt,
Face of wrentching pain, grinding gnashing teeth,
Movement -- AHH! -- NO!
Pleading eyes to all around - rescue me!!
Help - stop - no more - tears...
Hour goes by, today fades, all around prickes, probing,
What to do is the question... everyone is asking...
Peace comes through the Lord,
Pain releiver, sedation, and Prayer,
The latter is most needed.
Asleep, nothing is felt, a body, needing to be put to order,
Procedure... one step at a time, hard work, pulling, POP!
Waking up....... Hours.....
No pain, exhaustion, sleep drawing, calling, begging,
Sleep appeased, time passes, wakening enough to speak,
Eyes open, more time, distractions, sleep,
Out of bed, heading home... tired... in need of rest...
Home, in bed, sleep will come, then healing...
Continuing in prayer...
Monday, April 16, 2007
“Days of Winding” 4-14-07
(This is more understandable in my word document becuase the art of the poetry is not only in the words chosen but also in the way they spaced on the page like a wandering winding path.)
Storm Showers Scatter
Sunny Son Rays
Barriers Breaking Boulders
Shrouded Stunted Surrender
Willingly Un-Willing
Fully Wholly Wanted Un-Wanting
Un-Warranted Un-Giving
Warranted Wanted Given
Drained Gone Empty
Rain Sun Son
Cleaning Showing Growing
Dark Tall Strong Oak
Among Safety’s Branches
Hidden Comforted
Misted Veiled Un-Seen
Raining Gusts Tears
Sobs Sighs Shaking
Certainty of Un-Certainty
Life’s Long Road
Storm Showers Scatter
Sunny Son Rays
Barriers Breaking Boulders
Shrouded Stunted Surrender
Willingly Un-Willing
Fully Wholly Wanted Un-Wanting
Un-Warranted Un-Giving
Warranted Wanted Given
Drained Gone Empty
Rain Sun Son
Cleaning Showing Growing
Dark Tall Strong Oak
Among Safety’s Branches
Hidden Comforted
Misted Veiled Un-Seen
Raining Gusts Tears
Sobs Sighs Shaking
Certainty of Un-Certainty
Life’s Long Road
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
“Side note:”
Tears I shed in solitude
When they are able to flow…
It hurts to not be able to cry.
Especially when friends
Seeming to rise and grow
Then in the moment die.
When they are able to flow…
It hurts to not be able to cry.
Especially when friends
Seeming to rise and grow
Then in the moment die.
“Instrument” 3-21-06
Why O’Lord? – I care so much!
I want my friends to see.
But, then again, O’Lord, my God,
Please don’t let them see me!
I want my friends to see.
But, then again, O’Lord, my God,
Please don’t let them see me!
“Emotion.” 2-11-07
Human reactionary inward focused expressions.
Outward thought of inward feelings.
Heart aching, moral crushing, hope shattering, standard
bending,… pain for another.
I see thieves, questions, hearts, minds, friends, comfort,
hurt, circles, thoughts, emotions, care, flirting, joy,
closeness, controversy, passions, and people.
Dancing… close, touch, hair, guy, girl, roller coaster,
emotions… bold, both, wild, questions,
unquestioned, hurt, fate, pain…
No closeness, friend… fading thought, PAIN!, torn,
DEATH, gone, morbidly tearing, questions die
on the tongue, parting soon… gone…
EMOTIONS!, distance, wounds, salt, renting open.
Nothing feels worse!
Oh, GOD!
closeness gone.
friend dead.
people die.
time continues.
again ALONE.
wrenched, my heart, when I try!
Oh, so that I could cry!
Best friend… gone.
Outward thought of inward feelings.
Heart aching, moral crushing, hope shattering, standard
bending,… pain for another.
I see thieves, questions, hearts, minds, friends, comfort,
hurt, circles, thoughts, emotions, care, flirting, joy,
closeness, controversy, passions, and people.
Dancing… close, touch, hair, guy, girl, roller coaster,
emotions… bold, both, wild, questions,
unquestioned, hurt, fate, pain…
No closeness, friend… fading thought, PAIN!, torn,
DEATH, gone, morbidly tearing, questions die
on the tongue, parting soon… gone…
EMOTIONS!, distance, wounds, salt, renting open.
Nothing feels worse!
Oh, GOD!
closeness gone.
friend dead.
people die.
time continues.
again ALONE.
wrenched, my heart, when I try!
Oh, so that I could cry!
Best friend… gone.
“Broken” 12-28-06
Tears, they come readily as uncertainty seems certain.
Questions unanswered, tomorrow, doubts.
Why do things happen? Why to those I love?
Care, it is impossible to give when I must do nothing.
Time, the only healer: it must be taken and done.
Why can’t I be patient? Why it seems so slow?
I want tomorrow to come before tomorrow is here.
I want what is right but always find the other ways.
Why is life short? Why is the road long?
Fear, afraid of what might come, the unknown.
Look back, learn from the past, doesn’t always work.
Why is hind sight 20/20? Why do my mistakes bring hope?
Emotion, hope, fear, tears, care Questions.
All built to last forever, never to be fully understood.
Why is my life the way it is? Why do I ask, try or care?
Thoughts pooled in the mind, things to forget, leave behind.
Truth can be found by the Source, Hope Eternal, He is the Course.
Why does He love me? Why did He give Himself?
His choice is to break me, broken I become.
Knowing I can trust is hard. Giving in is worse.
Lord, Why is it so hard? Lord, Take me, Make me trust You.
Questions unanswered, tomorrow, doubts.
Why do things happen? Why to those I love?
Care, it is impossible to give when I must do nothing.
Time, the only healer: it must be taken and done.
Why can’t I be patient? Why it seems so slow?
I want tomorrow to come before tomorrow is here.
I want what is right but always find the other ways.
Why is life short? Why is the road long?
Fear, afraid of what might come, the unknown.
Look back, learn from the past, doesn’t always work.
Why is hind sight 20/20? Why do my mistakes bring hope?
Emotion, hope, fear, tears, care Questions.
All built to last forever, never to be fully understood.
Why is my life the way it is? Why do I ask, try or care?
Thoughts pooled in the mind, things to forget, leave behind.
Truth can be found by the Source, Hope Eternal, He is the Course.
Why does He love me? Why did He give Himself?
His choice is to break me, broken I become.
Knowing I can trust is hard. Giving in is worse.
Lord, Why is it so hard? Lord, Take me, Make me trust You.
“Pain” 1-11-07
Silence…
No words spoken…
No thoughts transferred…
No closeness, as things fall apart…
It is not a want for distance…
It is a want for change, renewal…
It is a want for time to understand…
Why are things the way they are?
Why did I react the way I did?
Why, my want is to change?
How can one understand?
How can anything change?
How, without interaction?
Is there still care?
Is there still a want to be known?
Is there still a way?
No closeness, as things fall apart…
No thoughts transferred…
No words spoken…
Silence…
No words spoken…
No thoughts transferred…
No closeness, as things fall apart…
It is not a want for distance…
It is a want for change, renewal…
It is a want for time to understand…
Why are things the way they are?
Why did I react the way I did?
Why, my want is to change?
How can one understand?
How can anything change?
How, without interaction?
Is there still care?
Is there still a want to be known?
Is there still a way?
No closeness, as things fall apart…
No thoughts transferred…
No words spoken…
Silence…
“Pain continued…” 1-13-07
Conversing…
Talking to emptiness…
Thoughts don’t seem to stick…
Confusion and contemplation arise…
Why did I try?
Why did I hurt?
Why did I pursue?
Why do I care still?
Round the currents flow,
Round and rough they rub,
Right when all is wrong,
Right when times are tough.
Thoughts of the past,
Times of peace and comfort,
The tightness of closeness,
The wanting falls away.
Pain and tears,
Each night, consistent,
Push forward to be heard,
Push for time in a world of hurt.
Confusion and contemplation arise…
Thoughts don’t seem to stick…
Talking to emptiness…
Conversing…
Talking to emptiness…
Thoughts don’t seem to stick…
Confusion and contemplation arise…
Why did I try?
Why did I hurt?
Why did I pursue?
Why do I care still?
Round the currents flow,
Round and rough they rub,
Right when all is wrong,
Right when times are tough.
Thoughts of the past,
Times of peace and comfort,
The tightness of closeness,
The wanting falls away.
Pain and tears,
Each night, consistent,
Push forward to be heard,
Push for time in a world of hurt.
Confusion and contemplation arise…
Thoughts don’t seem to stick…
Talking to emptiness…
Conversing…
“Farewell to Friends” 1-6-06
Silently as I give up,
Drum beats start to toll.
All whom are hurt, they gather,
Round about they stroll.
Shaking heads in amusement,
They watch my blank face.
As the wood is sealed and locked,
And I am buried in my place.
My life, I tried to live for others,
But lived mostly for myself.
Now looking at the friends all hurt,
And me up on the shelf.
I hate myself for what I have done,
For what I still will do,
But after all, all I have done,
Nothing is ever really new.
The pain and heartache are expected,
The solitude and silence too.
No one should ever want to know me,
Especially those I hurt like You.
As I pull back I want others to feel,
Free to be and free to do,
Whatever on their hearts and minds,
Whatever God calls them to.
I don’t want them, for one moment,
To ever consider thinking of me,
For their lives are for them,
To go, and do and be, without me.
Drum beats start to toll.
All whom are hurt, they gather,
Round about they stroll.
Shaking heads in amusement,
They watch my blank face.
As the wood is sealed and locked,
And I am buried in my place.
My life, I tried to live for others,
But lived mostly for myself.
Now looking at the friends all hurt,
And me up on the shelf.
I hate myself for what I have done,
For what I still will do,
But after all, all I have done,
Nothing is ever really new.
The pain and heartache are expected,
The solitude and silence too.
No one should ever want to know me,
Especially those I hurt like You.
As I pull back I want others to feel,
Free to be and free to do,
Whatever on their hearts and minds,
Whatever God calls them to.
I don’t want them, for one moment,
To ever consider thinking of me,
For their lives are for them,
To go, and do and be, without me.
“LIFE TO DEATH.” 11-13-06
Tears, I want to cry, don’t come smoothly.
The thought of being a figment, fleeting,
Gliding along, shadow of what was…
No more wanting to be seen.
Silently, Dream that comes and goes,
Image of the untamed mind,
Hope flees, I pray may someday return.
Circles, concentric, round, swirling,
Blinding and Binding me in space.
Nothing is solid, No one to trust,
Only One stands. ALONE.
The thought of being a figment, fleeting,
Gliding along, shadow of what was…
No more wanting to be seen.
Silently, Dream that comes and goes,
Image of the untamed mind,
Hope flees, I pray may someday return.
Circles, concentric, round, swirling,
Blinding and Binding me in space.
Nothing is solid, No one to trust,
Only One stands. ALONE.
“Night Stalker” 11-4-06
Night, the silent stalker comes,
IT steals away my dreams.
My hopes, that seemed immortal,
All now are but Fears of things.
My time it has been ticking,
This time I have runs low.
My hope of a sure tomorrow
Lessens to an ember’s glow.
News, though sweet should be,
Eats me all up inside.
One I love is tiring,
Thus Two I fear may die.
IT steals away my dreams.
My hopes, that seemed immortal,
All now are but Fears of things.
My time it has been ticking,
This time I have runs low.
My hope of a sure tomorrow
Lessens to an ember’s glow.
News, though sweet should be,
Eats me all up inside.
One I love is tiring,
Thus Two I fear may die.
“Struggle” 3-21-06
This pain so fresh it takes its toll,
My heart, I feel, has been stole.
New times and races now I face,
To be myself and find my place.
I pay a debt that I took out,
I look back but I must not pout.
My peace is shattered, in others unsound,
My peace in You needs to be found.
My heart is broken and pain is free,
I, myself, I need to feel and be.
But I am linked to a friend,
A friend and sister to the end.
My heart, I feel, has been stole.
New times and races now I face,
To be myself and find my place.
I pay a debt that I took out,
I look back but I must not pout.
My peace is shattered, in others unsound,
My peace in You needs to be found.
My heart is broken and pain is free,
I, myself, I need to feel and be.
But I am linked to a friend,
A friend and sister to the end.
“Light Though the Tunnel” 1-22-07
Clatter and clutter, circle round and down.
Our world born, dead shrouded, all clouded fog.
Muddy water sucks us in heavy bog.
Pieces of thought, like leaves, falling to ground.
Knowledge is not known, or time want to stay.
Confusion constantly, light swirls, all bow.
Hoping, waiting, watching, wanting, more, now.
These thoughts, can feel, solid, rock hard in day.
Counting days and hours till night goes, gone.
Dark as night and dead as stone, life too, die.
Birth, come silent, eager, new life, too, bye.
Later, see the rising sun, bright, come dawn.
He came, He gave, Life new and bold to me.
Holding me close, He shows His love for me.
Our world born, dead shrouded, all clouded fog.
Muddy water sucks us in heavy bog.
Pieces of thought, like leaves, falling to ground.
Knowledge is not known, or time want to stay.
Confusion constantly, light swirls, all bow.
Hoping, waiting, watching, wanting, more, now.
These thoughts, can feel, solid, rock hard in day.
Counting days and hours till night goes, gone.
Dark as night and dead as stone, life too, die.
Birth, come silent, eager, new life, too, bye.
Later, see the rising sun, bright, come dawn.
He came, He gave, Life new and bold to me.
Holding me close, He shows His love for me.
“Similarities” 10-5-06
These same poems and songs keep circling my head,
These common themes speak volumes of lore,
Not of forgotten lore but more the lore untold, unheard,
Lore that make me ponder things about my world.
Why do these thoughts come to me?
What makes me think to speak?
Why do I write these circling dreams,
Down upon the page?
Ponder again why I was made,
Question my silent, secret origins.
My God has a plan and I must do
– What’er he calls me to.
‘Tis His world not mine, -
‘Tis His time too,
My path is in His hand.
These common themes speak volumes of lore,
Not of forgotten lore but more the lore untold, unheard,
Lore that make me ponder things about my world.
Why do these thoughts come to me?
What makes me think to speak?
Why do I write these circling dreams,
Down upon the page?
Ponder again why I was made,
Question my silent, secret origins.
My God has a plan and I must do
– What’er he calls me to.
‘Tis His world not mine, -
‘Tis His time too,
My path is in His hand.
“Shadows”
Shadows are the fog of the mind,
The things we forget and leave behind.
An old box of mystery on a tall shelf,
Is a good example of this and shows us ourselves.
Follow behind us, it is what shadows do,
A constant reminder of the scattered and strewn.
Picking up shadows is very hard to do,
Unless you use a light, and search anew.
The past is a shadow of what has been,
The present, a light, for the shadows within.
Future still stands, untested fate,
Of where shadows choose to show their face.
My life is a shadow,
In the sight of the King.
My life is a gift,
From Him to me.
This is my choice, to live it as best,
To give Him my praise, and not to test.
This I give back to Him,
For all He has done.
He gave me His Life;
He gave me His Son.
My Life is His to do as He please,
To bring Him Glory to put me on my knees.
Amen.
The things we forget and leave behind.
An old box of mystery on a tall shelf,
Is a good example of this and shows us ourselves.
Follow behind us, it is what shadows do,
A constant reminder of the scattered and strewn.
Picking up shadows is very hard to do,
Unless you use a light, and search anew.
The past is a shadow of what has been,
The present, a light, for the shadows within.
Future still stands, untested fate,
Of where shadows choose to show their face.
My life is a shadow,
In the sight of the King.
My life is a gift,
From Him to me.
This is my choice, to live it as best,
To give Him my praise, and not to test.
This I give back to Him,
For all He has done.
He gave me His Life;
He gave me His Son.
My Life is His to do as He please,
To bring Him Glory to put me on my knees.
Amen.
“H. Regnizt” 4-3-07
LOST
To the world.
How do I find her?
Do I want to try to find her?
How do I step into her path to help?
Is this a battle I should fight?
Am I put here to help?
Should I step out?
Do I step out?
Baby steps.
YES
We do.
Friends help.
Am I a good friend?
Am I just a place to dump?
I don’t think I can be there for her.
The depth of sadness is deeper than I know.
I am not a professional to understand.
The emotions are like mountains.
Tall peaks that come alive.
Though valley’s calm,
Peace is visible.
Then sorrow.
PAIN
It grows.
This is constant.
Her life is sealed to be.
Picturing what was, the past.
Experiences of torture,
Never going away.
Coming back.
Haunting.
PAIN, YES, LOST
To the world.
How do I find her?
Do I want to try to find her?
How do I step into her path to help?
Is this a battle I should fight?
Am I put here to help?
Should I step out?
Do I step out?
Baby steps.
YES
We do.
Friends help.
Am I a good friend?
Am I just a place to dump?
I don’t think I can be there for her.
The depth of sadness is deeper than I know.
I am not a professional to understand.
The emotions are like mountains.
Tall peaks that come alive.
Though valley’s calm,
Peace is visible.
Then sorrow.
PAIN
It grows.
This is constant.
Her life is sealed to be.
Picturing what was, the past.
Experiences of torture,
Never going away.
Coming back.
Haunting.
PAIN, YES, LOST
Monday, April 2, 2007
"Such Languages" (07)
We talk in such languages,
in each walk in life,
yet each walk’s talk is different.
Not a one is the same as another,
but small parallels that can be drawn.
I don’t want to list them.
There are too many to count.
The differences and parallels together
are an innumerable amount.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts of depth come rushing,
powerful and strong at best.
These thoughts they overflow the senses,
and emotion crashes round as a flood.
Of all this, what shows?
Stillness, death, solitude, poise.
Emotion like water rushing
quakes the body and rushes out in tears and sighs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comfort I want but must be wise,
danger surrounds.
Leaning on something wrong,
could crumble my tower to the ground.
Sympathy I want, to push away,
yet if offered, with loving care,
willingly I accept.
Though,
none reaches out to me,
none that is of yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why can’t I trust?
Such a simple thought.
Those I should trust I should trust.
They are the ones that
have already proven themselves
and try to prove themselves
to be honest and true.
in each walk in life,
yet each walk’s talk is different.
Not a one is the same as another,
but small parallels that can be drawn.
I don’t want to list them.
There are too many to count.
The differences and parallels together
are an innumerable amount.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts of depth come rushing,
powerful and strong at best.
These thoughts they overflow the senses,
and emotion crashes round as a flood.
Of all this, what shows?
Stillness, death, solitude, poise.
Emotion like water rushing
quakes the body and rushes out in tears and sighs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comfort I want but must be wise,
danger surrounds.
Leaning on something wrong,
could crumble my tower to the ground.
Sympathy I want, to push away,
yet if offered, with loving care,
willingly I accept.
Though,
none reaches out to me,
none that is of yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why can’t I trust?
Such a simple thought.
Those I should trust I should trust.
They are the ones that
have already proven themselves
and try to prove themselves
to be honest and true.
“Solidity” 4-1-07
Together, Closeness, Feeling, Smooth,
More? Wanting? What?
Questions more than answers form…
But thoughts do tell a tale…
Am I the special one?
Or am I just another shoe lace?
Is there a difference?
How do I compare?
Is it good for me to ask?
Or should I just guess at thin air?
I want to be different,
There is a limit.
What is happening?
Is it all a dream?
I wake up to find the truth.
There is no way of knowing,
If that truth be Truth.
Should I go from the past and think I have learned?
No, I shall go from the present and find ways I need to change.
Starting now, I want to change.
I will try, I will persevere, I Want to.
There is a goal, a prize, maybe, hoping.
In the distance, What could be?
More? Wanting? What?
Questions more than answers form…
But thoughts do tell a tale…
Am I the special one?
Or am I just another shoe lace?
Is there a difference?
How do I compare?
Is it good for me to ask?
Or should I just guess at thin air?
I want to be different,
There is a limit.
What is happening?
Is it all a dream?
I wake up to find the truth.
There is no way of knowing,
If that truth be Truth.
Should I go from the past and think I have learned?
No, I shall go from the present and find ways I need to change.
Starting now, I want to change.
I will try, I will persevere, I Want to.
There is a goal, a prize, maybe, hoping.
In the distance, What could be?
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